I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
