Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize