i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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