I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We're too hungover to prance.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
