you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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