About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize