She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
