So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
