how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
