His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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