I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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