i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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