I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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