Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
