This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
