I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize