He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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