Apparently you make a good broom.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
