I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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