Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
