he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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