ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
