Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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