I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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