Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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