I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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