the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
