We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
