In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
