she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
