What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
