He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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