I swear she didn't look like that last week.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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