I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize