the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
