She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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