I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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