My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
