I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
