the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
