it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
