The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
