I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
