I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
