I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
