Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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