This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize