I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
