Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
