you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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