I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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