the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
