u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
