Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
