There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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