We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
