so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
