he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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