you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
