I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
